On Garfie, Volume 1, Creation and Civilization

An exploration by Ceesjhay,

Since time immemorial, humanity has had a deep connection with other animals. Dogs have long been known as man’s best friend, and cats were quite literally worshipped in ancient Egypt. What has been too seldom considered is that the universe as we know it may have been made by and for the members of a so-called ‘lower species’. Under such a paradigm, we, as humans, were intended to serve a ‘lower species’ rather than the other way around (that all other species were intended for the service of humanity) as is so often assumed. This is the core of the Nermalian theological school of Garfieism, that the Grand Lord Garfield (henceforth referred to as Garfie, as called by his loyal disciples) created our world explicitly for the utility of the feline species. Above all, man’s purpose, then, is to serve MATES (Members Asserting Themselves to the Elegant Species, in Nermalian nomenclature), with this being the only true way to serve Garfie. By examining the early history of Garfie and, yes, the world which he has crafted, it shall be conclusively proven that, first and foremost, our purpose is to serve Garfie and his MATES and that the institutions which undergird our lives are fundamentally Garfieist in origin.

Watch the video narration on YouTube and WeVidi. Stream audio-only OGG here.

A Universe of MATES

In the beginning were the MATES, and the MATES were with Garfie, and the MATES were Garfie. In their ethereal ways, they alone brought balance to the universe, managing the physical state of matter to a tee. Garfie, though, wanted more from his existence, and his ambition found ultimate expression in a project built on earth-the ecosystem. Just like with the physical world, the MATES managed and directed the ecosystem to create balance and develop its complexity further via evolution. What differentiated this from the physical world is that the MATES directly participated in the ecosystem, inhabiting the most elegant and enlightened species of them all (what modern humans know as house cats).

When people first learn about Garfieism, they almost always struggle to understand the distinction between Garfie and his MATES. “Is Garfie just one of the most powerful MATES?” I’m often asked. No, that’s not at all the case, of course. The analogy which I like to use to convey this concept is that of the human body. All of us have millions of semi-autonomous cells which allow us to survive and thrive, but our consciousness is not equivalent or attributable to any one of those cells. That’s the closest parallel we can draw to the relationship between Garfie and his MATES. MATES are semi-autonomous beings who manage the ecosystem and the physical world while Garfie is their hive mind, the rational actor if you will. Just like with a human and their cells, so long as the MATES survive and thrive, Garfie will live on in perpetuity.

-Metchal Penwin, renowned Nermalean theologian

On occasion, their development of the ecosystem grew inexplicably out of balance, requiring a more drastic intervention than a mere evolutionary shift. In the late Cretaceous period, the acute and accelerating dominance of the dinosaurs threw the ecosystem out of balance to such an extent that it became unacceptable to Garfie, and seeing as more tried and true methods had failed to bring balance, he used his mastery of the physical world to send a meteor slamming into earth, causing mass extinction and a virtual biological reset. Eons later, with the rise of humans and our systematic destruction of the world’s macro-fauna, Garfie faced another such dilemma over how to bring balance, but in us Garfie saw something he had never seen before; the potential for an existence of perpetual luxury for MATESkind.

Garfie’s Contract and the Birth of Garfieism:

At this point, Garfie struck up an eminently fair deal with humanity. Humans must dedicate their surplus production to the benefit of MATES, and in return, Garfie would ensure the continued health of the ecosystem despite humanity’s overwhelming dominance. This is what Nermalian theologians refer to as ‘Garfie’s contract’, an official, structured, symbiotic relationship governing interactions between humans and MATES. At first, this was developed in a relatively subtle, tentative, de facto basis, with MATES merely befriending human tribes and mooching off of their excess food. Seeing as this was such a great success, Garfie decided to move this experiment to the next level by giving humans agriculture and establishing the state with himself as its leader.

Those who are new to Gariefism always seem to take issue with Garfie’s contract. “It’s unfair,” they proclaim. “Garfie is exploiting us,” it’s so often said. There are two important matters which people need to understand before they can grasp the true justice of Garfie’s contract. Firstly, without MATES, we would perish. It isn’t simply that MATES would destroy us. Instead, both the ecosystem and the physical world would collapse without their active intervention. Secondly, the imbalance of the ecosystem actively hurts Garfie. It’s only a life of luxury which can make up for the extreme pain we inflict.

-Ariadna Caldéron-Dokowitz, Nermalian theologian and Latin American historian

The 1st Garfieist Civilization

When it comes to the development of agriculture and the state, humanist historians have cultivated a farce non-intuitive and fantastical enough to distract from the obvious reality of Garfie’s divine intervention. Such humanist historians will claim that both agricultural and the state arose spontaneously and independently throughout the world nearly simultaneously, but the truth is that, approximately 12,000 years ago, Garfie established his agricultural, state-based civilization along the Nile River and quickly expanded it to unite humanity throughout the Afro-Eurasian landmass. Humanity and MATES alike prospered under this natural order, with Garfie and his MATES ruling from on high, for thousands of years, but by 7,000 1GA (7,000 years after the first Garfieist Ascendancy), men grew jealous of the just power wielded by Garfie and sought to capture it for themselves. This was when man rebelled and committed atrocities against MATESkind before attempting to take the reins of the civilized state apparatus which Garfie had created. Without the skill and glory of Garfie’s rule, though, the state fractured into an uncountable number of now-disconnected societies. Human unity under Garfie was, seemingly, irrevocably lost.

The first civilization, like those after it, was entirely structured around giving glory to Garfie. What made this civilization unique is how, following their coup, they attempted to scrub their society of any reminder of his existence. This went well beyond the elaborate myth-making and culture of ignorance which characterized subsequent civilizational transitions, extending into the total retrofitting or destruction of everything that made their civilization what it was. In Egypt, this involved the desecration, robbing, and burial of all Garfieist pyramids, leaving their glorious remains to be discovered millennia later. This also involved the Garfieist sphinx being retrofitted from a sculpture of Garfie into a grotesque man-MATES-hybrid. This is why the successors of the first civilization varied so dramatically though. They essentially destroyed themselves and rebuilt from a blank slate. However, it must be stressed that, despite the best efforts of early humanist elites, Garfieist influence on sedentary civilization could not be completely erased. The central institutions which were necessary for sedentary civilization, agricultural production and the state, were innovations of Garfie, so humanity had to choose between losing any semblance of a civilized existence and maintaining some basic Garfieist institutions.

-Ibrahim Eipik, Near-East historian and author

Garfie’s Conviction and Humanity’s Nine Lives

At this point, Garfie was left with a simple, binary choice: to give humanity another chance to accept his rule or to annihilate their species forever. In all his eternal wisdom, Garfie proclaimed a more complete decision. Mankind, he decided, had nine chances to accept his rule (giving rise to the idiom that MATES have nine lives) before facing destruction. Their first chance had just been soiled. Humanity would have eight more chances to embrace the natural order before the apocalypse ensued.

The 2nd Garfieist Civilization

After humanity deposed Garfie as the ruler of the first civilization, the collapse of this glorious civilization was not restricted to mere fracturing, whereby, for instance, Mesopotamia was disconnected from the people of the Yellow River in every sense of the word (in terms of state control, culture, linguistics, etc). In addition to this, some groups fell out of agricultural civilization entirely. The people of the Eurasian Steppe abandoned agricultural subsistence and gradually adapted to a life of herding livestock. It was a group among these, the Central Asian tribe, who Garfie chose as the basis of his second civilization. He gave this group the gift of the horse-drawn chariot and led them on an invasion of the Indian subcontinent and the fractured remains of the first civilization which existed therein, especially those concentrated along the Indus River. The conquest of the subcontinent was swift, ushering in the second Garfieist Civilization after approximately 7,800 1GA beginning 2GA (the year of the second Garfieist Ascendancy). Upon deposing the degenerate men who had attempted to take the MATES’ place in the hierarchy, Garfie had to reestablish a strict hierarchy which might guarantee that Garfie and his MATES are kept at the top as is the natural order. This was when Garfie innovated the caste system, with Garfie and his MATES at the top, below whom were the Central Asian tribe, the protectors of the MATES, below whom were the descendants of the people of the first civilization in India. Meanwhile, the descendants of those who attempted to take the place of MATES were ousted, occupying no place in the Caste system. Humanity and MATES alike once again prospered under the enlightened rule of Garfie, but the Central Asian tribe grew jealous of Garfie’s power. In 1,400 2GA, the Central Asian tribe not only overthrew Garfie but also corrupted the Caste system for their own purposes, this involved elevating themselves to the position of Garfie and his MATES, bringing in the traitors of the first civilization to serve as their protectors, and dividing the commoners into two separate castes. In addition to this, they instituted an entire new religion, Hinduism, to replace Garfieism as the glue holding the civilization together. Because of these efforts, the Central Asian tribe’s traitorous coup was not quite as much of a catastrophe for the second civilization as humanity’s first coup had been for the first civilization. This being the case, the second civilization did not give way to sudden collapse, but the order which they put in place and maintained for a time was starkly artificial in contrast to the pure, natural order upheld by Garfie, causing gradual civilizational decline and a miserable populace giving way to fracturing as the centuries progressed.

One can not avoid the conclusion that Indian civilization is an outgrowth of Garfieist tradition, even if one chooses to deny the absolute truth of Jim Davis’ revelation. A good example of this which I like to use lies with the word ‘brahma,’ the chief God and creator within Hinduism. This word comes directly from Grafie, a bastardization of Garfie. Another derivative of this bastardization of our Lord’s name is Brahmin, the highest caste and a supposed force of order. It’s common to see this and wonder why the successors of the first civilization do not possess such obvious evidence of Garfie’s influence. What is clear is that the Central Asian Tribe learned a lot from the debacle of the first civilization’s collapse after Garfie was deposed, so they were willing to tolerate certain linguistic, religious, social, and political continuities so long as it served the end of order. Interestingly, one faction within the Central Asian Tribe, known as the Anglos, fought aggressively to continue to use Garfieist terminology and institutions unabashedly, arguing that this both furthered order and offended Garfie. This is why modern English is chock full of Garfieist lingo. The Anglos would go on to become one of the greatest civilizational opponents which Garfie would encounter.

-Ben Schmie, Linguistic historian and Nermalian theologian


As has been thoroughly explored, the history of humanity, the world in which we live, and the institutions which define our civilized existence are riddled with divine intervention from the Grand Lord Garfield. Humanity, in turn, has continually spat upon Garfie and sought to erase all evidence of his influence, but as quickly became apparent, the institutions which Garfie established were integral both to our civilized survival and flourishing. The obvious truth of the matter is that human interests are directly aligned with those of Garfie, but although humanity continually learned from our repeated mistakes, we chose not to absorb this central reality and, by doing so, have chosen to doom ourselves.

I am a Louisiana-born, California-raised, North Carolinian college student with a love for philosophy, history, languages, economics, and the Oxford comma. Currently, I am studying PWAD, German, and Russian at UNC.

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